The End

I just came home from work and I feel like shit. I think I can dissect this feeling into parts such as; boredom, physical hunger, anger, desperation, emotional hunger, social isolation. So it's a mighty cocktail.

Also on my way home I have been thinking about this blog. I've now decided that it has become an embarrassing piece of rubbish. My initial aim - as explained in its headline - for it was a memoir. Now, I have read a couple of other people's memoirs in my time and mine is nothing like them. I write about movies I have seen, concerts I have been to and other stuff. But I wriote about them in such a superficial way that they end up being nothing but filler material.

For example; when I wrote about movies I didn't speak about how I felt watching them all by myself and being pissed off at not having anybody with me at that moment to discuss about it afterwards, to talk about it. Or when I wrote about concerts I didn't describe how it didn't feel right because of not having any friends with me to sing along or dance to the songs. How I got frustrated at the fact that I inadvertently start talking to myself as if I'm having a conversation afterwards on my way home from a movie or a concert. What I mean is, I wrote about these things in a very dishonest way. I was being dishonest to my future self. I believe if I had contunied like this I would be doing a disservice to my future self. He would read these things and judge me. He would look with disbelief at how immature and unintelligent his past self had been.

Actually that's also one of the main reasons for this decision; I need to grow up. I need to be able to speak about my true feelings and stop acting like a moody teenager. Whether I like this or not is a separate matter. A couple of my closest friends have experienced very important events in their lifes such as child birth in the past month and when I compared what they are going through with what I have put down into this 'memoir', I get ashamed of myself. I'm not saying a person should only write about things like childbirths or marriages. I'm saying that I should have made these writings more personal. I should have explained or written about my feelings more. Instead some of the previous posts read like something you would come across on a 15 year olds' myspace page.

So what now? What am I planning to do? I had a talk with myself. Myself said "so you have named this blog a Memoir but you were not being completely honest about the stuff you have written? But how could you?" he said. He continued "Aren't the owners of Memoirs keep them hidden from public? How could you write about everything openly on a public avenue?" He had a point. By naming this blog as a Memoir I had created a dilemma, which I also chose to ignore instead of scrutinise properly in the first place. So I replied "you're right but I think I wanted these memoirs to have a confessional streak as well when I first started." I was aware that technically anybody could read these pages but, in my mind, this was balanced by the fact that unless I specifically advertised it around, number of people coming across these pages would be minimal. However, I believe, in time, the first argument - that anybody could read - took hold of my subconcious and steered me away from being honest.

Another advice to my future self is; always keep things simple and know what you really want. Do not over-elaborate on things and do not get hung up on small details. Be straightforward!!

Tonight I haven't been able to come to a resolution. I'll just leave it as it is for now. But I'll delete a couple of most offending posts such as the last two.

I'm just hoping that my future self will think better of me when he read these lines.