The End

I just came home from work and I feel like shit. I think I can dissect this feeling into parts such as; boredom, physical hunger, anger, desperation, emotional hunger, social isolation. So it's a mighty cocktail.

Also on my way home I have been thinking about this blog. I've now decided that it has become an embarrassing piece of rubbish. My initial aim - as explained in its headline - for it was a memoir. Now, I have read a couple of other people's memoirs in my time and mine is nothing like them. I write about movies I have seen, concerts I have been to and other stuff. But I wriote about them in such a superficial way that they end up being nothing but filler material.

For example; when I wrote about movies I didn't speak about how I felt watching them all by myself and being pissed off at not having anybody with me at that moment to discuss about it afterwards, to talk about it. Or when I wrote about concerts I didn't describe how it didn't feel right because of not having any friends with me to sing along or dance to the songs. How I got frustrated at the fact that I inadvertently start talking to myself as if I'm having a conversation afterwards on my way home from a movie or a concert. What I mean is, I wrote about these things in a very dishonest way. I was being dishonest to my future self. I believe if I had contunied like this I would be doing a disservice to my future self. He would read these things and judge me. He would look with disbelief at how immature and unintelligent his past self had been.

Actually that's also one of the main reasons for this decision; I need to grow up. I need to be able to speak about my true feelings and stop acting like a moody teenager. Whether I like this or not is a separate matter. A couple of my closest friends have experienced very important events in their lifes such as child birth in the past month and when I compared what they are going through with what I have put down into this 'memoir', I get ashamed of myself. I'm not saying a person should only write about things like childbirths or marriages. I'm saying that I should have made these writings more personal. I should have explained or written about my feelings more. Instead some of the previous posts read like something you would come across on a 15 year olds' myspace page.

So what now? What am I planning to do? I had a talk with myself. Myself said "so you have named this blog a Memoir but you were not being completely honest about the stuff you have written? But how could you?" he said. He continued "Aren't the owners of Memoirs keep them hidden from public? How could you write about everything openly on a public avenue?" He had a point. By naming this blog as a Memoir I had created a dilemma, which I also chose to ignore instead of scrutinise properly in the first place. So I replied "you're right but I think I wanted these memoirs to have a confessional streak as well when I first started." I was aware that technically anybody could read these pages but, in my mind, this was balanced by the fact that unless I specifically advertised it around, number of people coming across these pages would be minimal. However, I believe, in time, the first argument - that anybody could read - took hold of my subconcious and steered me away from being honest.

Another advice to my future self is; always keep things simple and know what you really want. Do not over-elaborate on things and do not get hung up on small details. Be straightforward!!

Tonight I haven't been able to come to a resolution. I'll just leave it as it is for now. But I'll delete a couple of most offending posts such as the last two.

I'm just hoping that my future self will think better of me when he read these lines.

Best Lyrics in a Song

"Your smile would make me sneeze
when we were Siamese."

Crawl
Placebo

Note to my future self; I know I had forsaken Placebo on a previous post but before going to that concert I had uploaded all of their albums to my iPod and due to either fate or my laziness, have been listening to their songs still. I have to admit that after repeat listenings you understand the true value of a song and learn to appreciate it. And their songs make great company while shuffling to work on a cold, grey, rainy London morning. But true to my word I also have the latest Muse album in that white miracle of technology, which acts as a gear change when needed.

Anyway, the aim of this post was to crown their achievements with what I think is their finest two lines of verse in their entire catalogue. I remember the first time I heard these two lines; first I didn't make aynything out of them. They sounded too vague and pretentiously avant garde. However, then at a split second their glory hit me. They were, and still, one of the most beatiful lines of poetry I have ever heard.

The Sea

"It was the sea that made me begin thinking secretly about love more than anything else; you know, a love worth dying for, or a love that consumes you. To a man locked up in a steel ship all the time, the sea is too much like a woman. Things like her lulls and storms, or her caprice, or the beauty of her breast reflecting the setting sun, are all obvious. More than that, you're in a ship that mounts the sea and rides her and yet is constantly denied her. It's the old say about miles and miles of lovely water and you can't quench your thirst. Nature surrounds a sailor with all these elements so like a woman and yet he is kept as far as a man can be from her warm, living body. That's where the problem begins, right there-I'm sure of it."

The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea

Yukio Mishima